Better Is One Day

When I was in high school I had a moment where I experienced exactly what Heaven would be like. I was in a crowded auditorium surrounded by hundreds of other students singing and praising God at the top of our lungs. Tears streamed down my face and an overwhelming feeling filled my entire body. It was truly an amazing experience and I turned to the person next to me and just knew this is exactly how it would be. I was at IMPACT at Lipscomb University in Nashville, Tennessee with kids from all over the southeast and my home church. This is the weekend I came to really know God and feel Him speak to my heart. On June 20, 2000 I was baptized by my best friend and youth minister on a night I will never forget. After worship everyone came to lay hands on me and we prayed for my spiritual walk and the strength to remain fully committed to God. I was then carried to the pool with everyone singing around me and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior under the stars and the clear night sky. I have never felt closer or more intimate with God and wanted that feeling and passion to last forever.

Fast forward a few years to my senior year in high school. I had an amazing group of friends from my youth group and was extremely involved in my church but out of nowhere questions began to arise in my head that I was unable to answer. Things that were confusing to me and made me start doubting what I had come to know as truth. One night, a Wednesday, during group our minister was leading us in a beautiful set of songs and suddenly I had a nagging feeling that I had just been going through the motions lately. What was I singing about? What did these words really mean to me? And then he stopped to pray for us but in between songs I will never forget what he said. The lights were dim, it was a very somber moment, and he stated that if you did not believe, if you did not understand the words, to stop singing. And I stopped...

...I stopped for four years. Four miserable years in college where I began to hate the person I was becoming, where I attended church group but couldn't listen to what the preacher was saying and never really got the message. Four long years that turned into five and seemed like an eternity. Now don't get me wrong, I had some fun times in college, made some amazing friends, and have some great memories. But it wasn't enough, I was never fulfilled. These were the days when I began to wonder if I was too young back then to really understand the significance of the decision I had made that night. After two years of growing closer to God what had happened that I had grown content in just going through the motions and not actively pursuing a relationship with Him? I was not sure of the answers to these questions that filled my mind but I knew I would not be truly happy again until I figured it out.

When we moved back from California I knew in my heart that something was missing. I was incomplete and there was a hole in my life that was unfulfilled. I was very happily married with a good job, two fun pups, and a family who loved me. But again, it wasn't enough. And so, after careful consideration I attended a group event at my local church to find a small group. I went at it a little backwards and did not actually start going to the church until I had already met with the group a few times. Although these ladies were nice, I did not seem to fit in. We did not have the same struggles. They were looking for husbands, I was looking for God. I became discouraged and stopped attending both the group and church. A friend from high school who ended up being my current next door neighbor prompted me to try again a few months later. This time I found a group with women from all walks of life and knew right away I had found the support, encouragement, and positive examples I needed to get my life back on track. A few months later I am finally feeling like I am making progress and coming to know God once again.

We attended a night of worship together last night that moved me to tears. Hundreds of us took communion together- an act that connects us with Christians all around the world- and for the first time in a while I was able to pray and really mean the words that I feel and believe in my heart. I may never be able to quote scripture or win a theological argument and I might always be the one fumbling around because I can't seem to remember the order of the books of the bible, but I know that God is always and will always be in the back of my head and in my heart urging me forward, sending me encouragement, and never letting me forget how much He loves me. No matter how turned around I get or how long it's been since I've talked to Him, He always brings me back in a powerful and moving way. I have a long road ahead of me filled with many more twists, turns, and detours but that's ok. I know life is not easy but it definitely helps to have faith that in all of this there is an ultimate plan for me. It may be hard to see and to know where all of this is headed but I just have to stay strong and keep on believing...

I guess you could say this is my testimony- a story I have not shared with very many people. So why now, why here? Honestly, it just felt like the right time. Although it seems many people read my posts, this blog provides a small sense of anonymity and it is much easier to be brutally honest with myself and my circumstances when I know I am not going to be running into most of you at the food store tomorrow. And maybe someone out there is reading this and comes to realize that they are not alone- someone else shares their same struggles and it's time to be honest with themselves. No one is perfect and I myself am very far from it but it doesn't matter because God loves us and the only way to find true contentment in life is to understand that fact. I am lazy, selfish, ungrateful, and mean. I do not read my bible every day or go to church every Sunday and sometimes I realize it's been days since I actually prayed but it's OK! He still loves me! A love that is unfailing. A love that is so strong and powerful He sent His only Son for me. God knew me before I even came to this Earth and knew what my life was going to be like. He knows my triumphs and my every screw up and He loves me anyway. What a powerful thought. A thought that every once and a while I forget and He always manages to set me straight.

Thank you for reading this far and for joining me in the story of my walk. If you have a story you feel moved to share please feel free to leave it below. I would love to pray for you =)